Who Am I?

Who Am I?

Good Question! Who really am I?

While trying to research ways I could answer the question of who I am, I came across a helpful article by Raj Raghunathan (2012). The article explains that we are not able to truly answer “who am I?”, due to various distortions from our inner self, as well as the unpredictable way people can be impacted by events and other stimuli; ultimately affecting the perception of self in an unpredictable and varying way.

With that said, I feel like my core beliefs make me who I am. These beliefs guide my decisions and always have; provided I continue to remain true to who I am and what I believe in.

In this moment, these core beliefs represent me:

Be Honest.
Lying gives me anxiety so I have made a personal decision to avoid lying. I just cannot live with trying to be someone I am not. 

Be Ethical.
Do the right thing even when it doesn't benefit me. I believe in Karma and doing the right thing. I am the person that hands in the wallet full of cash because it is the right thing to do.

Give to others where I can, but not at the expense of myself.
Even when I was a broke single mom, at Christmas time while working downtown, I would put money in my pocket on payday and the first person to ask me for change would get it. I never give more than I can, just because as a single mom I have learnt that I shouldn’t give the shirt off myback.

Forgive myself and those around me for mistakes.
With this I believe that everyone makes mistakes. It is not about the mistake that has been made, it is about the learning, and recovery made afterwards that shows you who a person really is. 

At the end of the day, be reminded about those who you value and show them that you value them by how you treat them and what you say.
The question I always come back to: is it worth it to be in this situation or arguing with this person who I love and care for. Often my answer is "No, I don't care about my shrunk laundry because it is not worth a fight with this person that I love." 

Commitment to continued learning, for myself and those I love.
With my short falls, I feel like I need to have a commitment to continued learning, and I love to learn. 

Commitment to myself to continue to try harder each day.
Giving up is not an option for me. Mostly because I just love my family too much. 

Commitment to caring for things that I have made a conscious decision to care for, which includes my fur babies.
I am a woman of my word. I don't take commitments lightly and when I choose to take a responsibility such as my fur babies, I decide to commit to them for life, just like a child. 

Be kind - we don't know what anyone else is going through, so I try to be kind to everyone.
I want to be the person who makes someone's day better, not worse. We have no idea if the lady serving us coffee or checking us out at the grocery store just lost a child, or a parent, or is living in their car. Maybe they are having a good day, but maybe they aren't. I want to be the person that lifts their day up, not the person who they think about while they are contemplating an overdose. I don't want to be a person that destroys someone's day because I didn't get my coffee right or because they didn't ring my groceries through fast enough. 

Believe the best in people.
We are already our own worst critic, I try to believe that even if actions or words seem negative, everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. Maybe my girlfriend that hasn't called me is giving me space when I need it, maybe they have something going on, maybe they are just busy. Also, it is exhausting having relationships where you are having to reassure people that you don't have any negative emotions towards them. I figure if someone has an issue, they will approach me in an open and honest way about it and until then, I assume we are good. Also, no I won't assume your FB post is about me unless you tag me in it! 

Commitment to my own mental health so that I can be strong for my family, those I care for, and myself.
As a Momster I feel compelled to move forward and continue to improve my mental health because it directly impacts my family in a sense that if I am not caring for myself, then how can I care for them. 

Commitment to continued improvement of my physical health - I am not going to lie, I am not great at this and even hesitated to write it down!
My thought, is I am trying. My physical health always takes a back burner and I am working on this to try to make it a part of my real core beliefs. One thing is that I truly do know that my physical health has a huge impact on my mental health. 

Belief that happiness comes from inside and not from situations, material possessions, or other people.
If happiness came from possessions, I wouldn’t be happy, just because I have lived in poverty for a large portion of my life. If it came from others, then it would likely be based on whether they were happy. Situations can provide short term happiness, but they are not my “source” of happiness; as situations are often short lived. The happiest I have been in the past, was when I was a single mom living in government funded subsidized housing. I had no car, phone, or internet. Happiness for me is a loaded definition, but it certainly is a derivative of other people, material items, or temporary situations. 

Belief that sometimes we need to set ourselves aside and work towards a greater good for all.
I am honestly not sure if this is very healthy, specifically regarding boundaries. This is the Momster in me. The part of me that keeps moving forward regardless of what is personally happening for me. This has been especially true for me as I go through my own personal issues such as an end of a relationship or job. Even as a mom struggling with depression. When my kids need me and I have to "show up", I put my Momster hat on and I show up as close to 100% as I am able to. Sometimes my Momster side sneaks through in other parts of my life, such as work or volunteering; that is when I know that I need to pull back, because at the end of the day my energy and commitment is to myself and my family, sometimes I get caught up in things and forget to make my own boundaries.

Some of my not so great core beliefs that maybe I need to work on: 

My lack of an educational degree makes me worth less and not having an educational degree after multiple attempts makes me a failure. 
I have some education in a ton of things. I often am self taught due to my enjoyment of reading textbooks for leisure. How do you add that to a resume?? "Hey boss. I read and studied a book on marketing, and I think I can apply some things to work; can I have a raise?". Yet I cannot seem to finish my undergraduate... - I need to work on this. 

My medical issues make me a burden to my family, less employable and worth less as an employee.
I have had a history of ups and downs with mental health since I was a child. I remember struggling early in elementary. In fact, I used to skip school in grade three to avoid social interaction. I can see the toll my mental health has on my spouse, family, and friends. I have lost multiple jobs and even struggle with the one I currently have, I am lucky they are so understanding; yet I wonder, for how long. - I feel like I don't know if I will ever be able to live up to my own expectations and am trying to fix this by learning more about my faults. 

I have to work harder than anyone else to feel like I deserve to have a job.
I have ADD and due to this, feel like I cannot work at the same rate with the same quality of work as my peers. I often go overboard and spend extra time on things that normal people wouldn't. When I feel like I am not good enough at my job, it gives me anxiety and makes me not feel like I should be there. To make up for it I often work at home or work longer without submitting a time sheet for it. I feel like I should be doing better. This has impacted me, and I am working on changing this because I cannot live up to the expectation of overworking to show that I am worth it. This is a hard "pill to swallow" because I am a notorious for higher order thinking which results in my mind going down the rabbit hole of potentials, yet never seeming to accomplish much of anything. - I am working on this. 

I am often unreliable to friends and family and I feel like even though I have ADD and likely Narcolepsy, I feel like I should be doing better.
I am the first to admit that I am not great with time management or waking up. Anyone that knows me, knows I have an issue with sleep. I have been fighting this since I was a child (3 yrs old - ish) and continue to now. It is much easier to battle since I have been medicated, but the story about this is a whole other post in itself... Either way, I continue to strive to do better. 

I feel like I often cannot get my shit together, but then again I don't really know what that means or what I want.
Honestly, I feel like I am in the midst of a mid life crisis, this is how I am feeling currently. All I can say is I am working on this.

Other mindful "truths" I have discovered, or the behaviors I default to.

My piece of mind is impacted by organization and cleanliness in my physical world. 
Without organization of my space, I feel like I cannot organize my mind. 

I am a flight risk when my emotions are involved, and I am feeling rejected.
It is easier for my to flip off my emotional switch and walk away then risk disappointing someone else or letting them down. - I am working on this. 

I often take on projects or hobbies to distract me from the important things.
When there is something pressing that needs to happen, my mind basically takes on anything to make it so I don't have time to deal with what I should be dealing with. - I am working on this. 

I create my own chaos of responsibility by adding too much to my plate.
I am learning to look at my time realistically, and gauge what I can do based on time rather than whether I "could" do it.

According to the article by Raj Raghunathan (2012), the question of who is ones self is often not completely answered because future experiences and situations may change the self or ones self perception; therefore impacting perception of self. I hope this is true, because that could mean that there is room for improvement and that we all have a chance to be and do better.

Overall while exploring the things that I feel are my core beliefs, I am realizing that there is more work to be done. Part of this work I feel, is determining how my core beliefs are impacting my "truths". The "truths" I have listed are behaviours that I have recognized as being unhealthy, yet I default to them over and over again.

References

Raghunathan, R. (2012, February 7). Figuring Out the Answer to Who Am I? Retrieved February 3, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sapient-nature/201202/figuring-out-the-answer-who-am-i#comments_bottom